I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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