I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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