Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
