Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
