"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
