I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
