I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
