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You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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