Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
