I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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