our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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