in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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