i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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