i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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