Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
