If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
