my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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