you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
