May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
