i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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