Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
