$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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