Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
