i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No stitches, just platelets and will power
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
