my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
