Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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