I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
should my penis look like a turkey
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
