I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
People in love make me want to vomit
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
