I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
