I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
