there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
