Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
