I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
