So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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