we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
