idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
