Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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