Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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