She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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