I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
