textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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