Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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