Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
