My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
