I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
