We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
