soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
