Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My cat gives me a boner
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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