I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize