dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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