I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
