i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize