I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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