she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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