Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
