During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
